But it’s Mom’s strategy in this conflict/discipline situation that is really cooking her goose. She’s twenty-five years older, for one thing. What about Mom? Her energy and perseverance are no match for her daughter’s. She is hardwired with strategies designed to get her way-strategies that have worked for millions of years. Also, without Mom or Caitlin being aware of it, the girl already has an unconscious PhD in Testing & Manipulation. She’s got the energy and she wouldn’t be too worried about the conflict. Caitlin would go 40 trials if it would get her the donut. The young girl has two qualities Mom can’t match: perseverance and expertise. Trial 7: No donut? Switch to Direct Attack. Trial 6: No donut? Revert to Pleasant Promise. Trial 5: No donut? Switch to Unfairness Claim. Trial 3: No donut? Less Pleasant Request. Trial 2: No donut? Repeat Pleasant Request: Yes donut? Stop. While Mom is fumbling around, Caitlin is using her reflexive, mechanized Frustration Management Algorithm. Caitlin does not care if the exchange ends in conflict she wants a treat now! And, unbeknownst to her mother, Caitlin has been equipped by Mother Nature (and millions of years of evolution) with an instinctive, unconscious and automatic sequence of tactics she can use to get things from adults. Why? Because of the objective (or burden!) these approaches place on parents: In a conflict, you must talk it over until both sides are satisfied ending any interaction with ill will or anger is bad.īut here’s the problem: The child in our scene is not burdened with the same goal her mother is. Unfortunately, modern approaches to parenting encourage this kind of exchange. It may look like two people exchanging ideas, but it is really misbehavior (child) and prattle (parent) masquerading as dialogue. “Watch that mouth, young lady! You’ll eat when I tell you to!!””Īfter line four above (We’re eating in just fifteen minutes…”), this conversation is a power struggle, pure and simple. “This is stupid! I don’t want any of your lousy dinner!” “Why do you have to give me a hard time about this, Caitlin?!” Besides, Allison always finishes her dinner.” “You let Allison have ice cream a half hour ago!” “I never give you anything? Do you have clothes on? Is there a roof over your head? Am I feeding you in two seconds?” “We’re eating in just fifteen minutes, honey.” “Can I have just, like, one of those donuts?” Fifteen minutes before dinner, seven-year-old Caitlin asks her mother for a snack. The dictionary defines prattle as talking at length in a foolish or inconsequential way. Another way of saying this is that parents-in the crunch-all too often engage in prattle. The result is this: In discipline situations, parents are talking too much. In their determination to avoid spanking, yelling and “Because-I-Said-So” discipline, and in their concern with “modern parenting” and emotional intelligence, parents these days are becoming conflict avoidant and committed to a philosophy of “Let’s talk it out till everyone is happy.” Is this really true?Īlthough a blanket generalization about parental abdication of authority certainly is not valid, there does appear to be a trend in the direction of increased discomfort with the legitimate use of parental power. Moms and dads, it is claimed, just don’t exercise their authority anymore. You hear a lot of people these days complaining that children are running the show, that five-year olds are in charge of the house, and that parents refuse to check their children’s unruly behavior in public. Phelan, PhD | The Children’s Book Review | January 30, 2016
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